Life Comes Back

Then when it seems we will never smile again, 

life comes back.

A couple of years ago I found the quote "Then when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back." on a magnet.  I'm generally not a quote person and certainly not a magnet quote person but it struck me (so much so that I regret not buying the magnet!).

  

It has been four years since we lost our son Matthew.  I still haven't figured out how to come to terms with the loss of someone we never really met (even though we got to hold him), someone we have no memories of other than the experience of his loss.  We have no pictures with him, no clothes he wore, no toys he played with.  We have a little box we got from the hospital with molds of his hands and feet and his unbelievably small footprints.  

I've learned that there is no best way to mourn, grieve, or heal.  It seemed right for us to once again release balloons as a sort-of memorial to him, and so we did.  I no longer want to curl up in a ball on the floor of my closet and cry, and so I don't.  This year I felt sad, but not heartbroken.  That is not to say that I understand what happened or why this happened to us.  I can't even say that I've learned an important lesson or am better for having gone through it.  For now, I just know that there was a time when it seemed like I would never smile again but life has come back.