I love the show The Gilmore Girls. No, I am not embarrassed to admit it – okay only a little embarrassed. In one episode (season 5, episode 10 to be exact) Luke is having his annual “dark day”. On the anniversary of his father’s death he mopes around, doesn’t talk to anyone and does all things dark dayesque.
A few weeks ago was the 2nd anniversary of the delivery of our son Matthew. I felt such anxiety leading up to the day and decided I was going to have my own “dark day”. I find it therapeutic to allow myself a day to cry and mope and eat only chocolate and diet coke. I still think about him, or at least the experience of losing him, almost every day, but I only cry occasionally. I wanted to allow myself this one day to feel all the emotion I try to keep in check the rest of the year.
Since it was a Sunday, I had to keep it together for church and then let the dark day commence when I got home. I cried – a lot! We looked through our little memory box with Matthew’s footprints and molds of his hands and feet. The kids cried. And then we continued the tradition we started the first year on his due date, we took balloons up the canyon and we let them go.
I love this experience. Each time when I let go of my balloon I really feel like I am letting go of some of the pain and sadness. This year it was a cold, but clear day and we watched the balloons for a long time until the tiniest white specks finally disappeared.
I’ve decided I’m all for the modified dark day. Let yourself feel overwhelmed by the emotion, cry, sleep, watch P&P, whatever feels right and then, let go.
Love you, Sarah!
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